Truth, an illusive thing if ever their was such a thing. During my many years of wandering moments of spiritual reflection would sneak up and tap me on the shoulder.
What was life about? Why am I stuck in this rut? Is there a God and where is he? Do I really matter in the larger scheme of things? If I’m really free why do I feel trapped?
When I was alone, especially at night, trying to get a ride or sleep under the stars, my mind would begin to search out answers.
Mom always talked about God and tried to raise us up as good Protestant kids. Now as a child I bought into church and religions teachings. The thing is when I was on the road God was not really part of who I was. I had little to no faith whatsoever. I knew I was alone and abandoned. No feelings of love entered my soul. God may be good for others but he was not interested in me.
Over the years I encountered many diverse religions , some bordering on the insane, some just plain satanic, others cultist, and some the social norms. Each one professing a better way yet unable to deliver.
The pain of uncertainty is a powerful yet scary experience. I was so distraught that I almost threw in the towel. I was angry and in tears during many lonely nights. All I wanted was to know that someone loved me.
Just recently I hit another spiritual battle. Torn between my Protestant upbringing and my Roman Catholic conversion. So many questions and no truthful answers. I reached a point were I tossed my bible violently on my coffee table and told my wife I had had enough. Screw the churches and reading the bible was pointless.
That night I got to work, angry and feeling abandoned. I had been praying earnestly to God for answers yet getting none. Then I realised that maybe instead of waiting for some miraculous epiphany maybe I needed to put some effort into the equation. I prayed for guidance. After two nights of 9 hours per night of prayerful study I was able to hear Gods messages to my questions. The bible was speaking to me.
I had read and preached the bible for years but this journey was different. This time I opened my heart, not just my head. I had a deep craving and desire for Gods true words. I desperately needed the Holy Spirit to guide me. I had always seen my self as the teacher, full of head smarts and bible verses. It wasn’t until I became the student, the child, the humble and hungry child that my heart became open. Now God could work with me. I wanted this more than life itself. I had finally bowed to God and became obedient. Finally!
I was able to see both my strengths and weaknesses. I understood what I had been reading. Answers came quickly. I knew that I had not been walking with Christ but been walking my own path.
I went to see my Priest and explained the torment I had gone through. I offered my first Real and Honest confession. I had done confession before but never in total honesty. Just enough to play the game.
This open confession was truly powerful. It humbled me before God. By allowing myself to be humble and having a truly contrite heart I was uplifted in spirit. This reminded me of the struggles I went through in getting off the streets. I had to be humble and accept help and guidance.
I think this is the essence of living a truly rewarding life. Be humble, be honest and persevere. Ask for help. Crave and seek that that is right and just. Trust in God. Listen and learn. Put into practice what you learn and be grateful.